The Deal Breaker

Over the past few weeks I’ve been chatting with some bears and we got on the topic of boyfriends and what we look for in a potential mate. Well, ok let me start over. I was chatting with one sexy bear in particular. We’ll call him Mouse to protect his identity. He’s very shy and just a young guy, very cubbish and a smile that melts butta. When I say young I mean under 25. I know, for some of us, young means anyone not on a respirator but this guy is young. So Mouse is on a quest for a new boyfriend. I told him that guys under 25 should be having random sex and spending all their waking hours partying. But to each his own! So Mouse told me his potential boyfriend had to meet certain criteria. How gay of a statement. THE LIST. Oh come on we all have one. The “must haves” in a relationship are sometimes longer than the menu at McDonald’s. Hmm; “I’ll have a Mc Man with an order of Mc Tight Ass and some Mc Dick. Oh and a Mc Fuck to go!”
So Mouse’s deal breaker was a daddy bear. Easy enough I guess. He likes old dudes. Yeah like I want some old tool that needs Viagra to have fun! (This coming from a man whose blogging while listening to Debbie Gibson’s, Only in My Dreams. Who’s the old tool now!
But all this deal breaker talk got me thinking, there has to be more people who feel the same way. So in true Mr. Ottawa Bear form I sought answers from my fellow bears. Turns out we all have a list. Some very weird and some actually make sense. These are from the bears out there so don’t blame me for the strange answers! Here are my top 20 favourites:

20.BAD TEETH - Sorry brits, you need fluoride to date me.
19.THE WAY HE LAUGHS – Yeah I want to date someone who looks like Kevin James but laughs like Phyllis Diller.
18.LONG NAILS – Eeeeeewww! Ok please if you see a bear with long nails send them to Rob Myers at Celebrity Hair for a mani. Trust me.
17.SMALL FEET, BIG BODY – Jesus H. Christ who are these people?
16.HAS TO HAVE MONEY – What a shallow bear you are Eric. Shame on you!
15.NO CAPRI PANTS – The man who invented Capri’s for men should be shot. If I see you wearing them I’ll set fire to them or so help me God I will shave all your fur off. Hideous.
14.THEY HAVE TO COMMIT – If they can commit to not peeing on the floor then they’re a keeper.
13.NICE EYES – As opposed to ugly eyes? How does one...hmmm never mind.
12.WILLING TO WAIT 3 DATES BEFORE HAVING SEX –This person wonders why he’s still single.
11.TOO MUCH FORESKIN – Ok seriously honey, if you have to know then you have to bring them for a test drive and that makes you a big old ho’.

10.STRAIGHT ACTING – Isn’t it bad enough we have to live amongst them now we have to beat our wives and go on welfare?
9. ROMANTIC – It’s just not the same without the Family Guy and Burger King.
8. HAS TO BE CUTE- No wait! I want the ugly one! (Besides they usually have bigger dicks. I’m just sayin’)
7. HAS TO BE OVER 5ft4 – Don’t discriminate the Oompa Loompas! (Again big dicks. Oh please, you know it’s true!)
6. PORPORTIAL HEAD TO BODY – “Little head, meet Mr. Small feet”.
5. GOOD IN BED – Slutty! Slutty! Slutty!
4. CLEAN – Ok what situation would one be in where guys would be dirty and smelly in a bad way?
3. I’LL KNOW WHEN I SEE HIM – WTF kind of statement is that?
2. GOOD KISSER – I seriously made out with this guy that had a rough tongue like a cat and he did these little probing flicks for kisses... pointy little tongue darting in my mouth! Eeeeeeeeewwwww!

AND THE NUMBER 1 DEAL BREAKER...... THIS IS A TRUE ONE.....

1.SEMI INTELLIGENT – To me if you know your ABC’s and can read instructions to put on a condom then you’re ok. I’ll just drink allot and smile and say; “look at my shiny new boyfriend”. Clearly he has to be hot and willing to do as he’s told. We can’t have em’ too smart now eh?
As always big old bear hugs,

Mr. Ottawa Bear 2009